Zach LarkinsPANDAS
On the lighter side comes the story of Chuang Chuang, a giant panda who refuses to co-operate. Chuang Chuang shares living accommodations with Lin Hui, who officials at the Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand want him to mate with.
Thailand rented 6-year-old Chuang Chuang and 5-year-old Lin Hui from China for US$250,000 in October 2003 for 10 years. Pandas apparently come pretty cheap, but the Thai's said if they could have an offspring, they could cut their costs. They seem to be a frugal people.
They have tried everything from putting Chuang Chuang on a special diet to holding a mock wedding before resorting to artificial insemination. Okay, so he only eats bamboo and not oysters. Bad idea. No lead getting in the old pencil there. The mock wedding should have given them a clue. Lin Hui didn't, unlike our Hollywood hero's and heroine's, have a wedding co- ordinator, and that is a must if you want things to go smoothly. Also, because there are only the two of them in the cage, where the hell was she supposed to turn to find a maid of honour and bridesmaids? No rented limo, no 12 piece band, no reception line. What's a person, sorry panda, to do. The stress must have been incredible! Talk about putting the pressure on! And Chuang Chuang is no better off. He knows he's supposed to boink Lin Hui while the whole world watches. Sounds like he isn't much of an exhibitionist.
Before they got to the artificial insemination part, the Thai's tried to get Chuang Chuang in the mood by letting him watch porno movies. How misguided is this? He's not even married yet and he's watching porn? Try that before and even after you're married and see what a tongue lashing it gets you. We don't know if he was watching human porn or panda porn, but either way, it's a bad idea. How does one make panda porn anyway? Who do they hire? What do they pay them? Do the pandas have a cigarette after it's all over? So many questions. So few answers.
Anyway, the Thai's decided to artificially inseminate Lin Hui. It's probably the only way to get her knocked up. Because if the Thai's had come to me for advice, I could have saved them a lot of trouble.
Chuang Chuang is gay.
Thailand rented 6-year-old Chuang Chuang and 5-year-old Lin Hui from China for US$250,000 in October 2003 for 10 years. Pandas apparently come pretty cheap, but the Thai's said if they could have an offspring, they could cut their costs. They seem to be a frugal people.
They have tried everything from putting Chuang Chuang on a special diet to holding a mock wedding before resorting to artificial insemination. Okay, so he only eats bamboo and not oysters. Bad idea. No lead getting in the old pencil there. The mock wedding should have given them a clue. Lin Hui didn't, unlike our Hollywood hero's and heroine's, have a wedding co- ordinator, and that is a must if you want things to go smoothly. Also, because there are only the two of them in the cage, where the hell was she supposed to turn to find a maid of honour and bridesmaids? No rented limo, no 12 piece band, no reception line. What's a person, sorry panda, to do. The stress must have been incredible! Talk about putting the pressure on! And Chuang Chuang is no better off. He knows he's supposed to boink Lin Hui while the whole world watches. Sounds like he isn't much of an exhibitionist.
Before they got to the artificial insemination part, the Thai's tried to get Chuang Chuang in the mood by letting him watch porno movies. How misguided is this? He's not even married yet and he's watching porn? Try that before and even after you're married and see what a tongue lashing it gets you. We don't know if he was watching human porn or panda porn, but either way, it's a bad idea. How does one make panda porn anyway? Who do they hire? What do they pay them? Do the pandas have a cigarette after it's all over? So many questions. So few answers.
Anyway, the Thai's decided to artificially inseminate Lin Hui. It's probably the only way to get her knocked up. Because if the Thai's had come to me for advice, I could have saved them a lot of trouble.
Chuang Chuang is gay.
