Zach LarkinsCOMING CLEAN
I don't blog on here just to see my name up 'in lights', although I'm sure many people think so. I have been carefully studying the results of my previous rants and feel it is only fair at this time to come clean with my audience, such as it is.
I am a snail whisperer.
Yes, you read that correctly. The idea came to me after I saw the movie with Redford called 'The Horse Whisperer' and I thought of all the poor little animals out there that are misunderstood by society in general.
Being a snail whisperer is not an easy task. Snails don't have ears and you have to get pretty low on the ground to look them in the eyes. So I decided, after a bunch of scraped knees and grass stained pants, I'd try a different tack.
I had a little, bitty leather couch made by a custom furniture maker which I have in my 'Office'. (Actually, it is the second bedroom, but snails aren't the brightest things around, so they're impressed when they see it.)
The first trick is to convince a snail that it must be whispered to. I don't, at this point, pretend to know the difference between male and female snails, but I'm working on it. Anyway, at first I thought leaving a trail of breadcrumbs from the patio to the office would draw 'clients'. No such luck. I ended up with an apartment full of belligerent sea gulls instead. Then I tried pebbles (no, not the Flintstones daughter, you fool), but the snails pretty much ignored them. So I had to grit my teeth and go for the gusto.
I got a little lasso to rope them with. This is not as easy as roping a bull, but I did take lessons from some of the cowboys who frequent the Calgary Stampede. These guys are pros and they've probably forgot more about roping than you or I could ever learn. In two life times. Now once you've got the snail roped, hang on for dear life. You have no idea what it's like being dragged across the grass and a whirlwind speed of three feet per minute. It takes your breath away. Then you have to horse this beast into the house. My wife originally objected but I pointed out to her that I was just doing the work that PETA has let fall by the wayside, and besides, the little couch is leather, so the slime they leave wipes right off. Our paper towel bill has grown enormously, but that's the price you pay for success.
So, the snail lies on its side (c'mon, you know it can't lie on its back, duh!), and tells me all that pisses it off. "Ooh, they're slimey." "Ooh, you're as slow as a snail." "How does it feel to have to carry your house around with you on you back?" And I sit and take notes and grunt every once in a while. I know, it sounds like a hell of a lucrative lifestyle, but snails don't usually carry cash or have a health plan, so collecting payment is sometimes a real bitch. So far, I have about 2 regular clients and I know their friends are telling them they are wasting their time seeing me. I don't think so.
I am, as far as I know, the only snail whisperer on the planet and I've received calls from as far away as the west end of town. But my reputation is spreading.
The pitfalls to the job are not knowing which of the snails eyes are actually looking at you at any given time, the slime ( they deny it, but they are slimey), the fact that they have no ears to whisper into, and they aren't the quickest off the starting block. It will take a lot of work and I feel the burden weighing heavily on me already. Therefore, I ask any and all, if you would join me in this just cause and make the world a safer place from the possible ravages of a snail uprising.
Oh, by the way, those who couldn't pay their bills? I magically converted them into escargot and had a fine feast.
I am a snail whisperer.
Yes, you read that correctly. The idea came to me after I saw the movie with Redford called 'The Horse Whisperer' and I thought of all the poor little animals out there that are misunderstood by society in general.
Being a snail whisperer is not an easy task. Snails don't have ears and you have to get pretty low on the ground to look them in the eyes. So I decided, after a bunch of scraped knees and grass stained pants, I'd try a different tack.
I had a little, bitty leather couch made by a custom furniture maker which I have in my 'Office'. (Actually, it is the second bedroom, but snails aren't the brightest things around, so they're impressed when they see it.)
The first trick is to convince a snail that it must be whispered to. I don't, at this point, pretend to know the difference between male and female snails, but I'm working on it. Anyway, at first I thought leaving a trail of breadcrumbs from the patio to the office would draw 'clients'. No such luck. I ended up with an apartment full of belligerent sea gulls instead. Then I tried pebbles (no, not the Flintstones daughter, you fool), but the snails pretty much ignored them. So I had to grit my teeth and go for the gusto.
I got a little lasso to rope them with. This is not as easy as roping a bull, but I did take lessons from some of the cowboys who frequent the Calgary Stampede. These guys are pros and they've probably forgot more about roping than you or I could ever learn. In two life times. Now once you've got the snail roped, hang on for dear life. You have no idea what it's like being dragged across the grass and a whirlwind speed of three feet per minute. It takes your breath away. Then you have to horse this beast into the house. My wife originally objected but I pointed out to her that I was just doing the work that PETA has let fall by the wayside, and besides, the little couch is leather, so the slime they leave wipes right off. Our paper towel bill has grown enormously, but that's the price you pay for success.
So, the snail lies on its side (c'mon, you know it can't lie on its back, duh!), and tells me all that pisses it off. "Ooh, they're slimey." "Ooh, you're as slow as a snail." "How does it feel to have to carry your house around with you on you back?" And I sit and take notes and grunt every once in a while. I know, it sounds like a hell of a lucrative lifestyle, but snails don't usually carry cash or have a health plan, so collecting payment is sometimes a real bitch. So far, I have about 2 regular clients and I know their friends are telling them they are wasting their time seeing me. I don't think so.
I am, as far as I know, the only snail whisperer on the planet and I've received calls from as far away as the west end of town. But my reputation is spreading.
The pitfalls to the job are not knowing which of the snails eyes are actually looking at you at any given time, the slime ( they deny it, but they are slimey), the fact that they have no ears to whisper into, and they aren't the quickest off the starting block. It will take a lot of work and I feel the burden weighing heavily on me already. Therefore, I ask any and all, if you would join me in this just cause and make the world a safer place from the possible ravages of a snail uprising.
Oh, by the way, those who couldn't pay their bills? I magically converted them into escargot and had a fine feast.
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
I always suspected insanity on your side of the family, but buddy? This proves it!
LOL
Snail whisperer...good lord man, I spit out my coffee on that one! Bet you're only snail whisperer on the west coast!
*Snicker*
Made me laugh out loud!
Great read my friend...
Take care,
Nick
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
Thanks for peeking in buddy.
ok, we have The Dog Whisperer, The Horse Whisperer and even animal psychics...
But I really think you could make a killing up there with the whole snail whispering thing...
Makes me feel kinda guilty now for pouring salt on them when they invade my tomato plants...
*Sigh*
But it's ok though, insanity has always been required in my family too...Just take a good look at me!!
Lmfao!
Take care buddy,
Nick
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern