Zach LarkinsBBQ
I've recently returned to the world of the bar-bee-kew. This is no big deal for the rest of you out there, but it does represent a milestone in my life.
I live in a building which was recently the subject of a coup de etat and now allows pets, children and other rubbish within its hallowed halls, and the first sign of actual progress came when I spotted a BBQ on a balcony above me. These had been banned until the takeover and my heart skipped a beat.
So, wifey and I headed out to the local Canadian Tire store in search of a BBQ. Now, any man will go through orgasmic spasms when confronted with a machine capable of throwing out a gazillion BTU's, side burners, warming pads, a hood-mounted thermometer, undercarriage storage.............Ooooooooo oh waaaaaaaaiiiiitttttt. Oh. Thank you. I just needed the moment, if you know what I mean. And all for under the price of a space shuttle. Got to go for another second. Be right back.
Well, my wife can't understand this. Her cooking revolves around a stove and as nice as that might be on a frosty February evening, a pan fried steak does not come close to a BBQ'd one. I knew I'd have to bring her into my world gently. So, knowing that we are heading off on vacation in a couple of weeks, I talked her into a hibachi.
I know, I know, it's a hell of a big step down, but ya gotta crawl before you can walk. I was most taken aback at the fact this thing cost exactly the same as the one I bought 30 years ago. No, not the same quality, but you have to give up some things to keep the price down.
Anyway, I bought it and put it together with the promise we'd take it with us on our upcoming adventures. It fits into a bow that is 12" x 20" x 1 ½" so it won't take up a bunch of trunk space. We got some charcoal lighter and some briquettes in order to test drive the thing.
Now, maybe it has been over 15 years since I last roasted meat (Ha, take that you PETA people) over an open fire, but I still knew the rudimentaries of cooking like a cave man. (Apologies to the insurance guys) My last wife sued me for custody of the BBQ when we split up, not that she even know which dial to turn for which burner, but she won that battle and I had to go steakless for a major portion of my life.
Regardless, briquettes are not the way to go, folks. Lump charcoal lights faster and gives more heat. I am still removing traces of the burn that occurred when I lit the little sucker on fire and it decided to consume the building. The age old question of whether propane is better than charcoal will never be satisfactorily ended. It took me a long time to come to grips with propane but I must say it does have advantages. I could cook an entire meal out there, while all the wife (the first one) had to do was make a salad. It kept the house cooler and she looked at me funny when I said I would make the salad. She maintained the heat might wilt the lettuce. I let her have her way.
Now that I have a new wife, I have to bring her around slowly. While she moans that she doesn't like BBQ'd anything, it interesting to note that I have to do 2 pork chops just so she can have one of them. Wish me luck. Next year I plan to upgrade.
I live in a building which was recently the subject of a coup de etat and now allows pets, children and other rubbish within its hallowed halls, and the first sign of actual progress came when I spotted a BBQ on a balcony above me. These had been banned until the takeover and my heart skipped a beat.
So, wifey and I headed out to the local Canadian Tire store in search of a BBQ. Now, any man will go through orgasmic spasms when confronted with a machine capable of throwing out a gazillion BTU's, side burners, warming pads, a hood-mounted thermometer, undercarriage storage.............Ooooooooo oh waaaaaaaaiiiiitttttt. Oh. Thank you. I just needed the moment, if you know what I mean. And all for under the price of a space shuttle. Got to go for another second. Be right back.
Well, my wife can't understand this. Her cooking revolves around a stove and as nice as that might be on a frosty February evening, a pan fried steak does not come close to a BBQ'd one. I knew I'd have to bring her into my world gently. So, knowing that we are heading off on vacation in a couple of weeks, I talked her into a hibachi.
I know, I know, it's a hell of a big step down, but ya gotta crawl before you can walk. I was most taken aback at the fact this thing cost exactly the same as the one I bought 30 years ago. No, not the same quality, but you have to give up some things to keep the price down.
Anyway, I bought it and put it together with the promise we'd take it with us on our upcoming adventures. It fits into a bow that is 12" x 20" x 1 ½" so it won't take up a bunch of trunk space. We got some charcoal lighter and some briquettes in order to test drive the thing.
Now, maybe it has been over 15 years since I last roasted meat (Ha, take that you PETA people) over an open fire, but I still knew the rudimentaries of cooking like a cave man. (Apologies to the insurance guys) My last wife sued me for custody of the BBQ when we split up, not that she even know which dial to turn for which burner, but she won that battle and I had to go steakless for a major portion of my life.
Regardless, briquettes are not the way to go, folks. Lump charcoal lights faster and gives more heat. I am still removing traces of the burn that occurred when I lit the little sucker on fire and it decided to consume the building. The age old question of whether propane is better than charcoal will never be satisfactorily ended. It took me a long time to come to grips with propane but I must say it does have advantages. I could cook an entire meal out there, while all the wife (the first one) had to do was make a salad. It kept the house cooler and she looked at me funny when I said I would make the salad. She maintained the heat might wilt the lettuce. I let her have her way.
Now that I have a new wife, I have to bring her around slowly. While she moans that she doesn't like BBQ'd anything, it interesting to note that I have to do 2 pork chops just so she can have one of them. Wish me luck. Next year I plan to upgrade.
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
come on now...just lite the sucker and be done with it! Yanno ya wanna hear that old familiar "whomp!" as the flame hits the lighter fluid...
Be honest buddy, if I don't hear that "whomp" I figure whatever's coming off that grill is basically going to taste like shoe leather!
Am I right or what?!
Men have to BBQ, it's in our nature and yes, I'd even go so far as to say in our genes...
It is writtten in "The Handbook Of Macho Law", that all males have to know how to work a grill, (gas or otherwise), and be able to cook any sort of animal flesh they can get their hands on...
I mean, it's the law right?! So you simply can't break the law and live with yourself now can you...
I know, I know, women do not know the law, and are therefore not familiar with many other rules in the handbook, such as when a man burns himself on the grill, he does NOT scream, jump around and bellow for some ice chips and a bandaide...also, when a man drops whatever animal flesh he's cooking onto the ground, he does NOT say "Uh oh, now we have to go to Burger King!"....
He simply looks around for any woman who might have missed the dropping of the flesh, then simply picks it up and tosses it back onto the gill from whence it came...with no one the wiser...
I'm sure that "wifey" will grow accustomed to these laws, and come to accept the fact that they are written BY men, FOR men and are OF men...
In the meantime, do try and be gentle with her? Then all things should work out fabulously!
Great post!
Take care,
Nick
oh post script:
I have an extra copy of The Handbook Of Macho Law if you've misplaced yours...I'll be more than happy to ship you a copy...for a nominal fee of course!
*Snicker*
Just let me know...Hey! this gives me an idea....hehehehehe
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
Yer Canuck buudy, Me.
youranter
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opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
He thinks he lost his handbook, lol. Hi, I'm his 'better half'.
I let him think he's the boss when it suits me, he is not having a motorcycle, I'm just letting him dream, rofl. As they say, behind every successful man there is a more powerful woman. Need I go on?
Don't believe him about the training, I do the training here. ( He can almost go to the bathroom by himself) It's taken me a few years but I'm almost finally there, lmao. Just check my id. feisty. he gave me the name.
I intend to live up to it.
Love your writing. He tells me about each blog you put out and you have me as a loyal reader also. Maybe you could give this twit some lessons.
I bow my head respectfully at your beautifully eminent and awe inspiring presence here upon the lowly, unworthy pages of my pitiful blogs...
I am at your mercy...I shall take the offending book and toss it upon the raging fires of remorse at once, hence burning it to a blackened stoney unrecognizable little crisp...(in much the same way Ranter will cook your animal flesh for you on the BBQ)
May we never speak of it again...
(goes down on one knee and gazes humbly at the floor)
I can say no more...
Your obtuse yet loyal servant,
Nick
youranter
Opinions
opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
It's me again, Youranter's better half. (Operative word here: Better) I can see why he reads you. You're both nuts.
I am English and have convinced him that I am the Queen. So I've seen my share of grovelling, and as pitiful as it is, you come close to achieving the required minimum of groveliness, lol. Maybe you should talk to hubby about getting it truly perfect.
I let him have his orgasim in front of the BBQ's and then give him a DeNoso slap on the back of the head to bring him back to reality. It's a shame we don't have a Tower here where I could deal with him properly.
I am interested in your book of Macho Law however. He won't tell me where it is. Can you help me in this regard? It would be most appreciated.
By the way, it's not true what they say about English women. At least, it wasn't last night, if you know what I mean.
Write on dear boy, you are always a pleasure to read.
Tara, tara.
Feisty.
The Rubik's Cube
youranter
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opinionatedranter
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The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
One of the funniest things I've observed men doing(and there have been many): squirting an already blazing BBQ with lighter fluid.
I'm telling ya: men love making fires and making noise...
youranter
Opinions
opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
youranter
Opinions
opinionatedranter
Tales From The Green Lantern