I nominate the art of patience as an endangered rudimentary social skill.

It is a dying artform, only practised by a scarce number of bipeds in remote areas. Their ability to tone down their 'narcissistic uber-importance' level, allowing the local barista a few more minutes on their skinny soy decaffe latte, is what separates the Practising Patient from the rest. Demonstrating extreme caution in the most time-consuming and stressful situations, such as; waiting in line, waiting for service and waiting for the machine cycle to end, these gods amongst mortals have the amazing ability to hold themselves together when their meals are taking just that little bit too long to come out of the kitchen.

But where have the PP developed these astounding skills? Well, thanks for asking Jeff!
Patience, the most devastating move in a Practising Patient's bag of tricks has been handed down from generations by-gone. Normal human beings, that's right, people just like you and me actually demonstrated the act of patience some time ago. We know this by archeological remains found of several etcho-sketches with amazing illustrations on them, demonstrating an early form of hand-eye patience in humans. What seems to have happened, and this is what some scientists have coined the 'missing link' between us and the PP is the evolution of the 3 nueron pathways (me, Me and mE) in human brains. This is responsible for certain characteristics such as awareness of only oneself, tunnel vision, and selfishness respectively. It appears that over the years as the evolutionary changes began to occur, the younger generations ceased to learn certain skills from the elders such as the art of patience, due to the fact they felt they didn't have enough time, didn't want to listen and were too busy doing other things. Thus Patience was lost to humankind.

Moral of the story..........

Don't be a Fuck, wait another minute for your coffee or baguette!

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October 16th 2008 @ 05:31

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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My Grass is Greener.......

It seems to me that at this point in time many in our society are taking advantage of the greenvolution. Whether it be hybrid cars with fewer emissions, green bags for groceries, or the shorter shower and save the power movement. All of these arguments and actions are fine by me, it is when boasting and preaching take over, that these awesome ideas start to fall on deaf ears.

What does it actually mean to be "green"? Are we really saving the trees and the extended planet when we buy a carbon-offset ticket to a three-day music festival that numbs one's senses, hightening their euphoric experiences giving them many, feel-good sensations. Sure, that definitely sounds like it would make you feel better about yourself. What about when the drugs wear off though? It almost seems like any way you spin this "green" movement it will forever be one step forward and two back. That is, until we deal with the real issues at hand. The fact that we as a society must change the architecture of our social constructs. For instance, shortening the gap between individual and public transport. Changing the way we act and not just changing our fuel source. Why is it, that thousands of individual cars still commute into major cities for working purposes when "the office" has a somewhat redundant existence within today's corporate model? When the majority have computers with internet access in their own homes, isn't it time to question why we travel long distances, in fuel guzzlers, in order to do work that we are more than capable of doing from home.

Of course, there are certain industries and workplaces that require a functional HQ, for employees to undertake their day-to-day working routines. However, there are many that do not. Besides it would make life so much easier, you wouldn't have to deal with that dickhead from accounts all the time.

However you look at it, the green machine seems to be churning out but another image or fad for our capatilist commrades to consume. I am part of this. I take my green bags shopping (which by the way must be mass-produced in a very similair way to plastic bags, so do they have special bio-degradable qualities. Because what happens when someone invents a red bag, do we then throw all our green bags out? I'm sure a penguin or dolphin wouldn't give a fuck who the manufacturer was, they would both be a prick to remove from your snout), I have shorter showers, I use the half-flush (it still amazes me that we flush perfectly good drinking water down our toilets) and I switch off the lights. But I still drive a car, use water, gas and electricity.

What does it mean to be "green", in terms of the environment I mean?

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May 29th 2008 @ 01:29

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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"Just a bottle of Hindsight thanks!"

Think for a minute, just imagine the possibilities and power granted to an individual if we as a society had the ability to bottle 'hindsight' and deliver it to those with an active and healthy conscience. In much the same way as you can buy a packet of Panadol at the local supermarket, why have we not yet engineered a drug for rapid relief of regret and remorse? This is one huge factor that threatens hundreds of the 'awesome' walking our streets today. Many of whom perform extreme acts of 'awe' only to be reprimanded in a society that does not understand this super sub-class of people. Whether it be because of their fear of the unknown, or the fact that so many of the awesome perform acts that are far beyond their time, which will only be appreciated by the next generation of awesome apprentices in years to come.

Take for example, an act of awesomeness that, "a friend of mine" committed just recently. It involved a welcome home gift of sorts for his mate who had returned from an extensive overseas holiday. Thinking it wise to show his appreciation at the friend's return, he did it in the only manner he knew how, inspired. A late night, free-range projectile throwing, drive-by where the victim was his mate's shitbox car. Upon perpetrating the act and departing the scene, not a hint of remorse or guilt could be found in the cab of the careening car, hurtling home through the streets. However later on in the night he recieved a phone call from the friend who owned the car, displaying his great displeasure at being the victim of an egging. The awesome egger was shocked, hurt and saddened that this extreme act of uncharted awesomeness had gone unappreciated on one of the few people that could understand his burden. The cross he was to bare everyday, ostracised and forced to hide his true identity. He spiralled into an abyss of depression and self-loathing, which from an outsiders (fly-on-the-wall) perspective would have looked not unlike Martin Sheen in the bedroom scene from Apocalypse Now.

We, the awesome, are losing good men like him everday. Post inebriant-induced guilt is another plague on our kind. Due to the nature of the beast, it is a common trait amongst the awe-man to over do it when out and about in pubs and clubs. The social pressures are rife, consuming any rational decision-making elements left in their heads that have not been tainted by the fruits of alcohol. This makes for one hell of a hangover! With this can come rash decisions, like never partaking in any awesome behaviour from that point onwards. This threatens the continued existence of one of the most endangered mammals on this planet, the awesome.

This is but another obstacle those living secretly among us most overcome. It does not look like guilt and remorse can be cured at the drop of a hat just yet, but, like the only way we know how to deal with these feelings, just give it some time!

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April 16th 2008 @ 03:33

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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A Guide to Recognising Your Awesomeness

Like any true iconic, heroic and revered legend will tell you, there is a degree of humility and humbleness required of a great man in order to gain the respect of a populus. Arrogance is rarely tolerated but for a few who can actually back-up their diatribe tyrades through an astounding physical display of dominance in their arena. The fine line between confidence and egotism is certainly a bridge that should be walked, a necessary tool in the arsenal of "the awesome", but one should be wary not to stray too far from the river of whence thee came. Supreme acts of overconfidence and shitblokitism will not go unpunished, the bridge can be easily burned and retribution can be swift. If you remember these simple rules that have been passed down from one awesome bloke to another, you cannot go wrong...

1) People hate hearing how good you are. Always remember to talk yourself down, never blow your own trumpet. First, it is nigh on physically impossible unless you've mastered the art of yoga and secondly it looks really uncool. How do you get people to hear about your awesome awe-inspiring acts I hear you say? Well, this is a challenge that even the "made" awesome still have to overcome on a daily basis. This is the path you've chosen, your cross to bare, therefore you must never let your guard down. Awesomeness will always be expected of you amongst your peers and you will always need to be one step ahead. One cannot solely rely on the acts that preceed him, pushing the moral, ethical and social boundaries of decency is the life we choose. No one said being awesome was easy

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March 25th 2008 @ 03:14

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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There's a GYM on Every Corner...

So the conversations around watercoolers in faceless offices, in staid buildings, would have us believe that there is an impending epidemic upon us. Something so large that it challenges man's continued existence on earth. Not too large however, that it cannot be measured in stones, kilos or pounds, but still quite rotund all the same. The 'Obesity Epidemic' has hit Australian shores, leaving all fifty U.S. states in its wake, taking no prisoners and leaving an aftermath so devastating it makes Hurricane Katrina look like Little Red Riding Hood (confused about that analogy, yeah me too).

We are led to believe, or we all in fact lead its belief, that "fat" is an inherently lazy disorder bestowed upon the couch-potato. Its place here on earth is constantly questioned, for electric blankets, air-conditioners and the aptly named 'fat bats' have given its insulating qualities a redundant existence. The porty are ostracised everyday on our streets, with pound-predjudices increasing in number all the time. Shows such as the patronizing 'Biggest Loser' parade the big-boned around like Catholics in the Colosseum. Their fate awaits judgement from those at home, ironically sitting on their couches in their glass houses. One can always take comfort in the misfortunes of another, as we are lulled into a false sense of security from the grand treadmill-infested and pretentiously-pulleyed work-out places that we attend. Like the hedonist who goes to church every Sunday, only to continue leading a life of sin, his judgement awaits

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March 9th 2008 @ 08:15

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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Closet Thespianism

When is it too early for one to engage in some theatrical pursuits? Admitting to your mates that you'll spend your Saturday night at a production of say, Macbeth, is a difficult and unsavoury task not to be taken lightly. Trying to skirt around the issue just won't do. Convincing the boys that you'd rather be immersed in some art and culture over lager and stout, is bound to make them laugh, and then shout.

The theatrical pursuit is not unlike the forbidden fruit. Men have always had a fascination with what goes on between "thespians" behind/between the curtains. Their acts are met with an enthusiastic and appreciative audience in many a social situation. However openly admitting to engaging in weekend-long stage benders is sometimes frowned upon

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March 2nd 2008 @ 08:33

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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One man's journey...

Sunday's morn brings unwanted rays of light, piercing our protagonist's eyes and managing to infiltrate his skull. Stirring rumblings of consciousness he suddenly feels uneasy. The begginings of a head-splitter become more and more evident. If the people of Pompeii had such a warning, maybe some would have escaped the ash that led to their inevitable demise. Although he knows its onset is nigh, there is little he can force himself to do.

Rising from his cradle the sudden change of head position acts as the catalyst his brain matter needs for the erruption to take place. In a raspy hoarse voice he manages a phrase that shall be his reason for changing his ways, committed to the cause of never consuming a drink again...but only for today. "I'm Fucked!" But the true meaning and extent of its pain shall be forgotten in time, time enough for next weekend's proceedings

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February 28th 2008 @ 01:26

Posted By: Zach Larkins - Category: No Category

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FEEDING TIME

The other day, TBH and I were watching TV and some woman was extolling the virtues of breastfeeding in public. We were both taken rather aback so I thought I'd write about it.

A while back I read a post here on Orble by someone who thought it was just ducky to whip out your breast in public in order to feed the little nipper. Never mind that most stores and malls now cater to breastfeeders by providing rooms that afford Mommy a little privacy. Even in the men's rooms today one sees trays or beds or whatever you want to call them so that Daddy can change a dirty diaper. Of course, Daddy can't breastfeed so that will forever remain the realm of Mommy's

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October 23rd 2007 @ 12:44

Posted By: youranter - Category: No Category

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TROUBLE IN MYANMAR

This has been bugging me for a while, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Buddhist monks in Myanmar (formerly Burma) have been walking the streets of this country in protest over its current government. Now, I don't know about you, but I think if you can get to the point where you piss off a bunch of Buddhists, you just have to know you're doing something very, very wrong

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October 21st 2007 @ 22:15

Posted By: youranter - Category: No Category

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MAYBE THERE'S HOPE

I read a rather interesting article today involving the extradition of prisoners between Canada and the USA.

It seems our government has said no to a number of extraditions even after they've been approved by the authorities in the States. The latest, biggest case that comes to mind is that of Conrad Black. Convicted of 4 out of 13 charges levelled against him, and facing serious time in an American prison, it is presumed that Black will apply to serve his sentence in Canada

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September 10th 2007 @ 09:02

Posted By: youranter - Category: No Category

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October 2008

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